Swaddling a baby is like tying up a screaming elderly man, against his will and he loves it.
Before you spank your kid, remember: They will choose your nursing home.
What do you call leftover refried beans that have been reheated on the stove?
My neck hurts because I slept funny. My grandfather died in his sleep so he must’ve slept hilarious.
A kid on a scooter has the world in his hands. A grown man on a scooter has a DUI.
Have you ever been in a room all alone and thought, “Did I fart?”
If life is a bowl of cherries, death is a basket of chicken wings.
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