I envision an America where no one pays extra for Guacamole.
As a kid, I played alone in the tunnel behind my house. A little game called “The Last Pringle.”
Buy my album and 100% of the proceeds go towards making the next album that I will pressure you to buy.
It breaks my heart when I see a soldier come home from war to his family cause we need that guy out there killing people.
What would Jesus do? Probably something amazing or brave cause he has superpowers, but not everyone can walk on water and do magic.
It’s quiet simple, Watson. I knew he was the murderer by the way he stabbed his Capri Sun.
There was a killer commute working from home today. My daughter left her ponies on the stairs.
There was nothing we could do, sir. The place went up in smoke when Brad Pitt got an erection.
Slow down and package those gifts carefully, Eric. This is not a wrap battle.
Life Hack: If you can’t afford a white noise machine, sleep next to seashells.
Hipster bartenders are like cats. You have to ignore them to get service.
Free Bird: Another classic tune about shitting in the sky.
It was the best of times. It was the worst of diarrhea.
Disappointingly, breakfast at Tiffany’s was cold cereal.
Wikipedia: Hey can you spare a few bucks for progress?
People: Yes, but I don’t have my wallet on me right now.
Has anyone found a blue coin purse full of jellybeans?
An old early worm is one tough fucking worm.
I liked Rubik’s early work, like the Sphere.
I’m just peachy. How you like them apples?
Sometimes you just gotta bite the snake.
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