I’ve been thinking about my early teens lately. When I entered the sixth grade, there was a big shift in my world. School was no longer about drawing ninja turtles, singing songs and being innocent. We moved up to junior high school. Suddenly there were fights, cigarettes and sex. I flew overnight from the highest tier of innocence to the lowest tier of chaos. It took me years to rise out of this.
In junior high, I looked around for new groups to hang out with. For a short time, I tried to integrate myself into groups led by bullies. I took their abuse quietly and didn’t stick up for myself. I still can’t explain why I did this. Insecurity? Lack of self-awareness? If I could do it over again, I wouldn’t waste the time.
Looking back, I can see that I wanted the leader’s approval. I wanted to be in their club, to be accepted by a dickhead. I took my role in the pecking order, and I was a jerk to kids that I felt were beneath me. It saddens me when I look back on this now. Hierarchies of cruelness are something I detest with my whole heart today.
It’s taken me a couple decades to get here.
I don’t participate in clubs led by bullies anymore. I don’t waste my time in circles where cruelty keeps people in power. I still see this dynamic from time to time. Buying into these hierarchies is always a losing game. Anyone that is cruel or abuses their power is not worth be-friending or following.
Maybe these experiences were a necessary path for me to gain clarity. Still, I wish I’d gotten here sooner.
published .
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