The Art of Mingling - by Jeanne Martinet

My Notes

I read The Art of Mingling because I’ve never been comfortable talking to groups of strangers and I feel like I’m missing out.

Here are some of Jeanne Martinet’s thoughts on the subject.

• Your purpose in any mingling situation is to have fun and keep it light.
• Mingling is a solo act. It doesn’t count if you’re glued to a buddy all night.
• Whatever you say, do it with strength and confidence.
• Attitude goes a long way. Carry yourself like you have something to say. Pretending you are someone charismatic, some you admire, can help you get going.
• Work your way up to the more intimidating groups. Start with folks who look approachable or look like you. Watch body language to see if groups are open or closed.
• There’s safety in numbers. You’re less likely to fail with larger groups, who likely contain more friendly folks.
• Don’t force a handshake or a smile. These can come later, when they’re worth more.
• Never ask what someone does for a living as a lead-off. In general, career talk can be dangerously boring or create conflict.
• Ways to approach:
  • Be honest. “Excuse me. I hope you don’t mind me joining you but I don’t know a single soul here.”
  • Flattery can work, but not in a desperate way. Compliment a group’s laughter, for example, as you join. “I heard the laughter from across the room and had to come over.”
  • Use a “Sophistication Test,” like “How do you fit into this picture?” or “What’s it all about anyway?”
• What risk level do you open with? Here are three examples, from risk-free to risky:
  • “What was your day like today?”
  • “I heard this was the place to get all the current Tech Startup news.”
  • “Every time I come to one of these things, I wonder about the human race.”
• Don’t apologize for yourself. If you flub, laugh it off or pretend it never happened.
• Embarrassment will happen. When it does, confess, apologize and tell a story about another even more humiliating story. Or use a recovery line, like “Just testing” or “Did I say that out loud?”
• Be present. Keep eye contact and be still while others are talking. If you want to survey the room, do it while you’re talking, not someone else.
• If you’re caught not listening, repeat the last thing you heard back.
• Don’t laugh at your own jokes.
• Know when to move on or escape and don’t wait too long. Have an acceptable reason to leave (i.e bar, bathroom, see someone).
• Remember: Other people think mostly about themselves. Go easy on yourself and enjoy.
• If it’s crowded like sardines, be direct and smile a lot. Nuance and irony won’t cut through.
• If it’s sparse, help bring people together and make it fun.
• If you’re insulted take the high road and walk away or use a snappy comeback, “Are you this mean to everybody or am I just lucky?”
• Don’t know what people are talking about? Comprehend the spirit of the topic and offer something related to widen the discussion.
• Elevators and lines are mingling opportunities. Say hi, smile, comment on safe things. Be aware of the vibe. Elevators are very close so smiling too much is creepy.
• Hosts are responsible for the mingling of guests, creating an atmosphere conducive to connection.

The book ends on the Tao of Mingling, which I love. Jeanne asks us to forget everything in this book, relax and just be yourself. It’s all flowing yin and yang. When you’re alone, do nothing. No need to resist. Everything is fine and perfect. Become one with your surroundings.

“Ultimately, mingling well with others is a way of getting in touch with all that is vibrant and wonderful about life.”