How to Win Friends and Influence People - by Dale Carnegie
My Notes
Carnegie wrote this book after teaching public-speaking and relations courses. He realized that the majority of our success is due to how we communicate, think on our toes and relate to other people. This is even true of technical trades.
A book didn’t exist to fill this void so Carnegie wrote one. Many biographies were read and famous people were researched. The ideas were flushed out with real people over years applying the rules, coming back to class and discussing, collaborating.
We all have the capacity to speak publicly and do it well. We just need confidence and a passionate idea. How to get this? You have to confront what you fear (public speaking) and get several successes under your belt.
If you Want to Gather Honey, Don’t Kick Over the Beehive.
Don’t criticize! Don’t criticize. People are not creatures of logic. We are passionate, vain and vulnerable. When you lash out and criticize, you rouse resentment and it hardly ever helps solve the problem. Better to seek to understand, rather than criticize.
“Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” - Ben Franklin
The only way to get someone to do something is to make them want to do it.
People want to feel important, to be appreciated, to be great. We all want it. The desire to be great is what separates us from the animals, created civilization.
To arouse enthusiasm in those around us and make them feel appreciated, this is the greatest skill there is. What better way to improve your life and those around you?
Flattery is insincere. Appreciation is sincere. “One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other is selfish. One is universally admired; the other is universally condemned.”
“Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.”
We are all interested in what we want. Don’t talk about what you want, but what others want. Spend time thinking about what motivates people, what their desires are and help then get what they want.
“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”
“The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.”
If you get just one thing from this book, learn to see things from other people’s points of view.
In summary -
- Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
- Give sincere appreciation.
- Arouse in others an eager want. See from their point of view, understand their motivations.
Become genuinely interested in people.
“You can get more friends in two months by becoming interesting in other people than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.”
People are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves.
“It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is among such individuals that all human failures spring.”
You have to be interested in people to write good stories.
Before each show, Thurston (magician) says, “I am grateful because these people come to see me. They make it possible for me to make my living in a very agreeable way. I’m going to give them the very best I possibly can.” He never stepped onto stage without saying “I love my audience. I love my audience” over and over.
Theodore Roosevelt was interested and kind, thoughtful to those around him, even servants. He remembered all their names.
“If you want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people - things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.”
When people call you on the phone, say “hello” in a way that tells them you are excited, you’ve been waiting for their call.
“We are interested in others when they are interested in us.”
“People rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing it… You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.”
“Happiness doesn’t depend on outer conditions. It depends on inner conditions.”
Put soul into every interaction.
“Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do; and then, without veering off direction, you will move straight to the goal.”
“A man without a smiling face must not open a shop.” - Chinese proverb
“Greet your friends with a smile and put soul into every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do; and then, without veering off direction, you will move straight to the goal. Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do… and you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for fulfillment of your desire.” - Elbert Hubbard
“Thought is supreme. To think rightly is to create. All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered. We become like that on which our hearts our fixed.” - Elbert Hubbard
Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
People want their names to live on and resound. They have hired artists to to dedicate creative works to them. Donors get their names on campus locations, etc.
“Most people don’t remember names, for the simple reason that they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds. They make excuses for themselves; they are too busy.”
If Napoleon didn’t get the name the first time it was said, he’d say “So sorry. I didn’t get the name clearly.” Then if it was unusual he would ask how it is spelled. Then he would repeat the name several times during the conversation and associate it with face, appearance of person. He would then write the name down, stare at it and tear up the paper.
“We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing and nobody else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others.”
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
To listen to someone and be genuinely interested - this is one of the highest compliments we can pay a person. They feel it. Give your full attention to the person who speaks to you.
Listening to people attentively helps them feel important.
Isaac Marcosson says many people fail to make a good impression because they don’t listen. “They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep their ears open… Very important people have told me they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any good trait.”
Freud was apparently a great listener. He listened calmly, kindly with few gestures.
“People who talk only of themselves think only of themselves.”
“To be interested, be interesting. Ask questions that other people enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.”
Some ways to listen well -
- People at parties will like you if you are genuinely interested in what they have to say, ask questions, remain attentive, let them tell you their story.
- At interviews, give your full attention and ask questions.
- We know someone loves us when they drop everything and listen to our thoughts.
- Angry people can often be appeased by having someone silently listen to their grievances and let them get it all out, without interrupting.
- Famous people, or those that are more well-known, highly regarded, can often be approached and be-friended if you ask them about themselves.
- Often people just need someone to listen to their problems. They don’t need us to offer solutions.
- Talking only about yourself is the easiest way to be shunned.
- People care far more about themselves than other issues.
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
Theodore Roosevelt would stay up late the night before visitors came, reading up on the topics that interested them. This allowed him to talk about their interests, please them, entertain them.
Speak in terms of what interests people, do some research. Think about it beforehand. This is similar to always asking “What do they want?”
Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely. The urge to be important is the deepest urge in human nature.
If you have to correct a waitress bringing the wrong order, for example, say “Sorry to trouble you, but I ordered ___”. The same if you don’t hear someone’s name: “So sorry, didn’t catch that.”
Expressions to keep up your sleeve -
- “If you wouldn’t mind…”
- “Would you be so kind as to -”
- “Won’t you please?”
- “Would you mind?”
- “Thank you.”
What do people want? To feel important.
“The unvarnished truth is that almost all people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.”
“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.” - Emerson
“Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.” - Disraeli
Kindness is key. Can I make people feel good as I journey through the day? Allow them to feel appreciated, important?
You Can’t Win an Argument.
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. 9 times out of 10 an argument ends with both parties more convinced they are right.
A truck salesman who argues too much sells few trucks. He wises up later on. A customer walks in and slanders his trucks, saying he’s going to buy a ‘Whose-it Truck’ instead. The salesman learned to agree and say, “Whose-It trucks are fine trucks, made by good people. If you buy a Whose-It you will not go wrong.” The customer is speechless then and can no longer harp on his point. They then get down to the business of looking at trucks. “He can’t keep on all afternoon saying, ‘It’s the best’ when I’m agreeing with him. We get off the subject of the Whose-It and I begin to talk about the good points of the White truck.”
“If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.”
Arguing with a person goes against their need to feel important.
Welcome the disagreement. It’s an opportunity to learn. If we always agreed, what’s the point of conversing?
Keep calm and watch your first reaction. It’s often defensiveness, the worst way to act.
“Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.”
“Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers… Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree… Be honest, look for areas where you can admit errors and say so. Apologize for you mistakes.”
If things get really heated, suggest that you meet up again the following day to discuss further. In the mean time ask yourself these questions -
- Could my opponents be right? Partly right?
- Is there truth or merit in their position or argument?
- Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem, or will it just relieve my frustration?
- Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me?
- Will my reaction elevate the estimation good people have of me?
- Will I win or lose?
- What price will I have to pay if I win?
- If I am quiet about it, will the disagreement blow over?
- Is this difficult situation an opportunity for me?
Show respect for the other person’s way of thinking. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
You can tell a person that they’re wrong with a gesture or your tone of voice. Once you do, you have struck the person’s pride and they want to strike back.
We are all wrong a lot of the time.
“If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it.”
“You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.” - Galileo
“Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.” - Lord Chesterfield
The author claims that these are some magic expressions - “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.” People don’t object to this.
Few of us are logical. We are creatures of pride. To be proved wrong or challenged, especially in public - this hurts our pride.
“When someone expresses some feeling, attitude or belief, our tendency is almost immediately to feel ‘thats right,’ or ‘thats stupid’… Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the person.”
“Agree with thine adversary quickly.” -Jesus
If You’re Wrong, Admit it Quickly and Empathetically.
If we have done wrong and need to be “rebuked,” better to beat that other person to it and say it ourselves. We take it better when we say it. Also, the other person usually becomes more sympathetic.
“My eagerness to criticize myself took all the fight out of him.” By admitting fault, we can clear the air of defensiveness and move on from blaming. Then we can start in on the real issue at hand.
It takes courage to take blame.
“Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes - and most fools do - but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.”
Elbert Hubbard wrote controversial articles in his day. Sometimes readers would write back, disagreeing with him, even insulting him. Hubbards response - “Come to think it over, I don’t entirely agree with it myself. Not everything I wrote yesterday appeals to me today. I am glad to learn what you think on the subject. The next time you are in the neighborhood you must visit us and we’ll get this subject threshed out for all time. So here is a handclasp over the miles, and I am, Yours Sincerely…”
“When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong - and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves - let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.”
“By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected.”
Begin in a Friendly Way. Come at a person with your fists up and they will raise theirs.
Scolding a person never works, never wins them to your way of thinking.
“So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the great high road to his reason.”
A renter wanted to convince the landlord not to raise the rent. Rather than complain he complimented the apartment to the landlord, invited him in, complimented the way he took care of the building and showed how much he liked living there. Told him he’d like to stay another year but couldn’t afford it. The landlord opened up, talking about other tenants who complained so much. The renter listened to what he had to say, sincerely with open ears. The landlord agreed to lower the rent a little. The renter named the figure he could afford. Done.
Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” immediately.
When a person says “No,” it’s not just words. There whole biology starts to turn away from us. It we can get several yes’s from the get-go and keep the thread of agreement going, that’s a much better way to converse.
Often times, a person will say “No” and then later change their mind, but still cling to the “No” out of foolish pride.
Socrates changed the way humans think 2400 years ago. His legacy is still lasting. “He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.”
Let the Other Person Do a Great Deal of the Talking.
Ask questions, listen sincerely, be interested. Ask “Why?” and listen attentively to your troubled teen.
Do research before a job interview and ask about the company’s beginnings, get people to tell you other their success. We all love to do this. Show an interest in the other person and their problems.
“If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.” - La Rochefoucauld
Let the Other Person Feel that the idea is his or hers.
People don’t like to have ideas forced on them. Ask questions, let them draw their own conclusions.
“We like to be consulted about our wants, our wishes, our thoughts.”
Rather than try to sell X-Ray equipment to the hospital, a wiser man asked them to try out the equipment and give him some feedback. He humbly placed himself beneath them, asking for advice and made the sell. It’s a compliment to ask someone their opinion.
Colonel Edward M. House influenced president Woodrow Wilson by casually placing ideas in his head. Later he might mention these ideas as his own. House did not correct him. “He didn’t care about credit. He wanted results… He gave Wilson public credit for these ideas.”
Better to let people sell themselves.
“The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all mountain streams.” - Lao-tse
Try Honestly to See Things From the Other Person’s Point of View
Be wise and tolerant and try to understand other people’s positions. Any fool can condemn.
“There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does… Try honestly to put yourself in his place.”
Start your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of the conversation.
“I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for two hours before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what the person - from my knowledge of his or her interests - was likely to answer.”Dean Doham (Harvard Business School)
Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. The magic expression that creates good will is “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”
“The only reason that you are not a rattlesnake is your mother and father are not rattlesnakes… You deserve very little credit for being what you are - and remember, the people who come to you irritated, bigoted, unreasoning, deserve very little discredit for being what they are.”
“Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you.”
Some great advice about writing your first response to a nasty letter. Write it and put it in a drawer for two days. Then read it again. Then tear it up and write a new one.
Appeal to the Nobler Motives.
Jesse James and Al Capone saw themselves as idealists, says the author. Most of us see ourselves that way. By appealing to a person’s noble motives, we appreciate them, win their good will, empathize better with them.
Someone was going to publish a picture of the president’s kids. Instead of telling them not to, he called the photographer and said “We’ve all got kids and we know that it’s bad for them to get a lot of public exposure.”
Can’t afford to pay writers for your new startup? Consider making a $100 to their favorite charity. Appeal to the nobler motives!
“Individuals who are inclined to chisel will in most cases react favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest. upright and fair.”
Dramatize Your Ideas.
“Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship.”
A cash register salesman hurls pennies on the floor. A cold cream sales person pulls out lots of little jars, competitors products with labels on top and begins placing them on the man’s desk. The man gets off the phone for he is interested.
Be dramatic. Get down on your knee. Bang your fist. Throw something.
Throw Down a Challenge.
Mill workers produced more when they competed against different shifts at the factory.
“The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but the desire to excel.” - Charles Schwab
“That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win… The desire for a feeling of importance.”
To summarize -
- The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
- Show respect for other’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
- If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
- Begin in a friendly way.
- Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
- Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
- Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
- Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
- Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
- Appeal to the nobler motives.
- Dramatize your ideas.
- Throw down a challenge.
Be a Leader Without Rousing Resentment
Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation. Lather up before you shave. Give a compliment before a criticism.
Lincoln praised one of his commanders at length, giving specifics in his letter, before he offered criticism.
Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
A foreman saw some of his employees smoking directly under a “No Smoking” sign. Instead of reprimanding them and insulting them, he handed them cigars and said “I’d appreciate it if you smoked these outside.” How could you dislike a man like that?
Use “and” instead of “but.”
Take inaction. If you are upset with somebody for not tidying up or doing something, do it yourself first. Lead. Set the example. See if they pick up on it. Don’t start bitching right away. Lead by example.
Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. Be humble. Embrace humility.
Don’t just tell people what to do. Lay your history on the line. Be specific about your blunders. Let them know that you understand we all make mistakes.
Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Leader, Owen D. Young, apparently never gave orders. He’d ask questions like “What do you think of this?” or “Do you think that would work?” “He always gave people that opportunity to do things for themselves.”
Save a person’s pride. Help them to feel important. Ask them. Don’t tell them. “People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.”
Principle 5: Let the Other Person Save Face. Don’t berate people in front of others. You can destroy a relationship very quickly by doing that.
“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.” - French aviation pioneer and author
Principle 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.
“Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise.” - Jess Lair
Humans and animals alike, perform better when praised than when criticized.
Praising reinforces positive actions and causes them to happen more. Criticizing, in a way, gives energy to the very negative actions we are trying to condemn.
Praise should be specific, detailed (not generic).
“Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.”
One of our under-used abilities is the ability of praise. Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.
Principle 7: Give people a fine reputation to live up to.
“The average person can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect the person for some kind of ability.”
“Assume a virtue if you have it not.” - Shakespeare
Principle 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Examples are given of people who have confidence issues, are scared to learn to play bridge or dance or do algebra. By working with them and praising their good qualities, assuring them that it can be done without too much overhaul, they all improved.
Make things seem easy. Minimize resistance. Work with people, not against them.
Principle 9: Make the Other Person Happy About Doing the Thing you suggest.
Spousal Advice
Rule #1 is Don’t nag. Don’t interfere with things that make your loved ones happy. Don’t try to change your spouse.
Don’t criticize. Criticizing in front of others is the worst.
Give honest appreciation.
Pay little attentions, which means pick up some flowers or a little gift. When you talk on the phone, be kind and giver your undivided attention. Make them feel cherished, appreciated, loved.
Be courteous. Too often, we are more kind and polite to strangers than our spouses.
Read a book about sex. Pay attention to this deal breaker (or maker).
Make an effort to understand and help through her varying moods, stress, irritability